Over the past month, I have been working with several individual wellness coaching clients. The issues we are working through cover a wide variety of topics, but the issue that seems to be recurring over and over again is on Self Care.
At least three separate clients this week have said some phrase to me this week similar to this: “I would love to work more on __________, but honestly it seems so selfish. My family/work/spouse comes first, and I feel guilty taking a moment for myself when I could be doing something for others.”
In recent years, self care is praised all over the internet. Unfortunately, the type of self care I see touted most frequently is not true self care, but is sold as such under some guise of consumerism or avoidance. How often do you hear the phrases below, think them, or believe them to be true?
“I deserve this glass of wine.”
“A pedicure is my gift to myself.”
“My self care is watching Netflix at the end of a hard day.”
These activities, while not harmful in and of themselves, are a direct result of the consumerism of our society. True Self Care is a world apart from these activities. To be clear: there is nothing wrong with having a glass of wine, getting a pedicure, or engaging in some good old Netflix - the problem becomes the confusion between these activities and true self care.
So what is real Self Care? It’s the basic, mundane activities we so often forget in our attempt to please the world around us. Self Care is attention. It says “I am worth the time it takes to pay attention to my thoughts, desires, and needs. I know that sometimes, I will need to placate my inner four year old and eat ice cream for dinner, but most of the time I will remember the health benefits of broccoli and eat that instead.” It is parenting yourself, out of love for your future self.
It looks like discipline, but when we can tap into it as a choice we are making for a greater good, it feels like a powerful stance of freedom.
Sometimes, it can look like disappointing others in the immediate future. But, consider what is more kind: disappointing someone in the moment to take time for yourself to run, make dinner, journal, etc - or placating what they want, putting your own needs off, and building a slow and steady resentment that may eventually eat at the relationship.
Self Care is parenting yourself, so that you can show up more authentically for others.
Just for a nice visual, I like to remember the quadrants of prioritization that Stephen Covey outlines in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (image below). Self Care often falls under the important but not urgent category, and thus it can easily get steamrolled by things that are urgent and important (like a deadline at work) or urgent but not important (like a ringing telephone or answering emails). Sometimes, we let the things that are not urgent and not important (social media, phone games) step over this category, too, because Self Care is not always fun and glamorous in the moment, and things like social media can be a welcome distraction. However, real Self Care leads to lasting and meaningful change that trickles into all other aspects of your life.
What do your quadrants look like, and what is Self Care for you on its deepest level? How will you begin to take steps to implement that in your life?
(P.S. If you need some extra help - behavior change is hard - coaching can help with just this. We get to the root of what it is you want, and figure out how to take small steps in that direction utilizing your strengths to get you from here to there over a period of time. Contact me if you’re interested.)
